"Baby Cry"

I am so mesmerized by the Frapr map on this blog and I have been so excited to see new states and countries appear. I call out to my daughter -- "I got an Africa!!" or "Got Paris!! or "Woo hooo, got Japan!" and she rolls her eyes (we have only computer online so all she wants is her turn.) Now, just as the map was filling up and I'd be saying, "Oaaah, c'mon Idaho, I need an Idaho," or "C'mon, Germany", some are disappearing. It's great spring weather here and the windows are open --- my neighbors probably think I am playing the longest game ever of some new version of Monopoly and wish I'll win soon. It's doesn't look likely. "Oh, mama, Paris is gone!" "What happened to Alaska?" Alaska was the first to go, and then Phoenix, then the Kansas visitors, and then Egypt, and Turkey, and China, and a couple in UK. "Dang! Where are all the Californias?" I can't figure out why they are disappearing. Even my friend Peg's has disappeared and she is still here and she didn't remove it.

So, I am being a "baby cry" about it. Waaaaauhuhwaaaauhuhwaaaa uuhuhh waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

When GI Joe was about twelve and someone was being a whiner he would call them a "baby cry." It was more of an observation and acknowledgement than a judgement initially.

His little sister, "Pooh" (as he called her) fussing about wanting something -- "What a baby cry." He did grow to enjoy her tearful reaction a little too much as she got older. Four year olds don't want to be referred to as a baby! Nor, do most adults when they are whining and crying.

His friend complaining about losing the neighborhood hoop contest -- "What a baby cry."

Me fussing about my lunch I ordered at a restaurant -- "Ohahh, what a baby cry." Me fussing about my food is typical -- it's funny to them now. They expect it. I am a good cook, know what I want, and I am paying good money for a dinner, so I want it to be my way. Even if it's cheap I want it to be my way. Do you KNOW how hard it is to get a meatless taco at Taco Bell -- with just the right amount of beans that aren't too dry or too runny?

As I studied pre and perinatal psychology and trauma healing I began to appreciate this GI Joe phrase more -- he has many. A "baby cry" for a toddler, child, teen, or adult is the expression of a very early experience and wounding. It is when we didn't get a need met and we just kept trying and it has become a way of our being and functioning in the world. These also become seen as "bad" or "dysfunctional" or "naughty" (unless you are in UK and it's a term of endearment) behavior in our society. "He's a sore loser." "She's a picky eater." "She's a complainer." "He's a procrastinator."

Everyone of us has done this and we have seen it over and over with our friends, colleagues, and loved ones. It's what makes life and relationships so confusing --- you say or do something that seems pretty harmless and maybe even straight forward and simple. The other person overreacts, totally from what seems to be "left field" for you or completely misses or distorts your intention (or what you think in your neocortex is your intention - we all behave through the perceptions of our baby brain -- Limbic system. Our "inner baby".) The other is more in an emotional body reaction and verbally spewing what seems really unrelated, or is just unable to even articulate what they are feeling. This is a preverbal experience in an adult body. "Baby Cries."

In the Castellino work we learn that physical or emotional pain is "the baby crying". These weird reactions and tantrums people have are their inner baby brain running through their neocortex, learned brain. In the eighties we had the emergence of the concept of the "inner child" and we learned that as adults we had the responsibility to re-parent our wounded child in order to find happiness , harmony, and relationships. It was prominent in the field of drug addiction treatment as the drug addiction is only a symptom of deeper issues. John Bradshaw was an effective author and training. After studying the work of William Emerson, (http://www.emersonbirthrx.com/ and his work in the roots of violence and addiction and healing cord and cesarean I rented video of Bradshaw's PBS presentations. (http://www.creativegrowth.com/johnbio.ht). It was amazing how he and his work already spoke to the conception, prenatal, birth, and early infancy needs of the child. I mean, really, is it logical that if a drunk couple conceives a baby that that person might also have problems with alcohol?

Sooooo, why does it matter to me if my pins on my map are disappearing?? I dunnooooooo, ahhwwwaaa. That's preverbal! I know the energy of it has to do with my primal period and early infancy. So, when something comes up for me, I know it is mine to work. I know that my birth -- drugs to slow and augment, mother supine with saddleblock, tired and frustrated doctor, cord 2-1/2 times, broken clavicle, forceps, immediate cord clamp, separation from my mother -- has led me to my passion to make birth aware, safe, and gentle for every baby. I didn't have my biological impulse for birth and it wasn't aware, gentle, or safe. I didn't get my way. I know that every baby needs to share his or her experience of her birth and have those most important to her acknowledge her. This is where our need for acknowledge comes from. As you know, our need for acknowledgement can get us into very emotional and sometimes pathological situations -- at work, and with friends and loved ones. Birth is both a struggle for the baby and has moment of joy and triumph. I want everyone in the world to know about the new research that supports what the field of pre and perinatal psych is saying. My baby who was so hurt and whose pain was so unacknowledged wants every baby to have a gentle, aware birth. My inner baby wants everyone in the world to know.

An amazing obstetrician, Eva Grundberg, MD, from Venezuela spoke at the Association for Pre and Perinatal Psychology and Health in LA in February. One of the many, many gems was the idea that the breast fed baby, the baby fed on demand, will know trust and believe in prosperity. When the baby cries for the breast and it is right there, the baby will know in HER BODY AND BRAIN that whatever she needs is there. She is not learning struggle and sacrifice -- she is learning trust and available, the secret to prosperity in life. Babies breastfed on demand will not have to have the movie The Secret to have prosperity.

I and my first two children were breastfed but with the conventional thinking of the time that is JUST now being acknowledged as wrong --- that babies SHOULD only be fed every THREE to 4 hours. Now we know they must be fed on demand. As a breastfed baby, I know, want, and trust the "good stuff" (breastfeeding and all that it is) AND fed on a forced schedule, I often have to cry and fuss for awhile before I get it. One of the most significant learnings from the healing work is the concept of honoring our birth as we are healing the violations and disruptions. It also creates our life long journey. Mine sure reflects my early experience. Anyone who enters into the energy of understanding who there are from their primal period learns extraordinary information to shift their lives. It's zero about me ever being like the person who is born at home, in water, unclamped cord, only known and trusted caregivers, and only in my mother's arms and at her breast for three straight days. It's about me accepting me and living in my body.

The adult me knows now that I need to care for and protect my "inner baby" and my adult self is able to find the resources. I managed to do the html code to get the map on there -- I can learn what is going on and how to fix it. I don't have to cry, yell at my dog or daughter, or hit my computer. And, a joy and a resource (that we look for in the birth experience) is that I know that all of us around the world with the passion for making birth aware, gentle, and safe, we are coming together.

Excerpt from Japanese Book on Prenatal Parenting

Parenting Begins From a Baby's Time in the Womb:

What We Know About Prenatal Memories

Original Japanese edition "Onaka No Nakakara Hajimeru Kososdate"

by Akira Ikegawa, MD, PhD., Ikegawa OB/GYN Clinic Director

Translated by Seika Marie Smith

pages 69-71 with commentary by Baby Keeper!

Love Nourishes a sense of independence

The most important thing you can do to nurture your child's independence is to give him a strong sense of security, and the best way to do this is by developing a close relationship. There is nothing difficult about the basics of parenting: it simply begins with a hug.

When the mother embraces her child warmly, the child stops needing to cling to her. They feel reassured when they know they are being accepted just the way the are , and will feel confident enough to test their abilities in the outside world if they know they can always return to the security of their mother no matter what happens.

However, if the child had minimal communication with his mother and has no real sense of being protected, all his energies will be devoted to trying to acquire this sense of security, and there will be none left to use in new adventures.

There is new research by Porges, Schore and others (http://www.trauma-pages.org/) looking at the effects of early violence that show us that the earliest environment and parenting create important brain connections. The brains of the non-abused children/adults differ from those who were abused. Their perceptions of the world and what and who they draw into their world will be a reflection of their earliest care. (Odent, Wirth, Nathanielsz, Lipton, Emerson, Castellino).

If your child comes to you, give him a hug. If he feels scared or sad, just give him a hug. I would like to stress how important it is for mothers to remember these basics.

This seems so easy and so simple, doesn't it? The basics -- the simple pleasures of life and parenting get gobbled up the stress of making a living. Who is available to hug most babies and children? Substitute caregivers, beginning with childcare and continuing through childhood? One of the things I loved about homeschooling my daughter and having the summers off with the older ones when they were growing up is having quality time, and LOTS of it. I begrudgingly and sadly relinquished my children over to childcare and kindergarten, BUT, I was in college, thinking of greater days ahead. I was going to be a big deal and change the world! And, I never liked being away from my child for any reason. I had to work with my first child. I was an aide to a clinical psychologist at a VA hospital. It was a great job that didn't require an education but inspired me to one. I took a camping trip when my older son was about five months old -- less than 1/2 hour away. We got the tent set up. Looked around and each other and realized it was a mistake. We dismantled the tent and went home, much to the dismay of Aunt Linda as I was seen as an "overprotective parent" by not letting everyone hold my baby. Breastfeeding moms always hog their babies, you know.
I am still mad to this day that many, many nights were spent with this son, fighting with this Wild Man to get his homework done. So many nights I hated myself for my reactions to our frustration to finish one more stupid paper of math problems. What did they do all day? I learned in homeschooling it takes about two hours a day to accomplish what they do all day at school. Homework in elementary school, after sitting and working all day? Why? Seeds of "work-aholism" -- all of the "isms" for which we have so many treatments? It's torture for a hyperactive child to sit all day and be quiet... or ... does it and going hugless all day create hyperactivity? I feel like our lives were intruded upon and something beyond my control (because I bought into the status quo) robbed us. He spent all day being chastised and challenged to be quiet. Zero hugs for him or any of our children at school when they feel stressed, sad, scared, lonely, or even happy.
Our children spend the majority of their lives with non-parent, non-relative caregivers who are not LEGALLY allowed to hug and touch a child. I am not dis'in' teachers now, but the fact is our children spend their days with people who may or may not even like them, and who certainly don't hold our beliefs and how we want our child treated. And, how could teachers begin to meet the mulitple needs of multiple children? Why do we expect our children to thrive and spend all day without quality attention, touch, eye contact? Activity and things are substituted. Videos, candy, gold stars, and stickers -- tokens meant to "promote self-esteem" but how many hugs a day does any one child get?

Why are American women so happy to relinquish their bodies and their children to the establishment, beginning with birth and continuing through childhood, while we work to "have it all"? In the name of women's rights? Currently there is a resurgence of the political, somewhat feminist led, effort to improve the conditions for working mothers. Moms Rising, supported by Presidential candidate, Barack Obama, is making a lot of news. http://www.momsrising.com/. The Moms Rising campaign does not even mention birth, and so the mother's experience of giving birth, lying down and drugged is not part of the dialog of concerns for women -- even with media blaring about the increased cesarean rates and prematurity and US standing in infant mortality, about school violence, drug addiction, etc.

How a woman gives birth and how this experience affects a woman personally and in relationship to her child is not addressed in the MOMS Rising or in feminist theory. In fact, in the "feminist" efforts that are typically career, work, and child care focused, the concept of mother-baby attachment is attacked. It is done so vehemently by feminist writers attacking the scientific validity and a new dynamic is building -- a battle between natural birthers, stay-at-home, baby-wearing mamas and the professional, career woman who chooses induction or planned cesarean for personal scheduling reasons (CEO's, physicians, movie stars). Their newborn child is more likely to be cared by others beginning very early. These two opposite ends of the spectrum represent a truly small number of women. (Breastfeeding, thankfully, is spanning the spectrum). Many of us fall somewhere in between but we are bombarded with the expectations of the two extremes. No where along the spectrum is THE BABY and the baby's needs seen as primary. "Children our are greatest resource" is a great but hollow sentiment when one looks at what does the human being, a baby, a child, really need from those who bring him or her into the world and then sees how children really are treated.

Many, many, many infants are now in the care of others. Caring, compassionate people, of course, but they are not with a person who loves them. I was pregnant with GI Joe when I began to watch T. Barry Brazelton, MD on a cable show. He was so amazing with the babies -- I saw how present he was with the babies and with the mothers. I saw how present the babies were with him. One day he said something that changed me as a woman -- struggling with being the mother I wanted and to pursue my work as I wanted. I was beginning my MA program in June after my son's March birth. He said one day, that every baby needs to be in the care of someone who is ga-ga in love with that baby. I felt the truth of it in my body.
Truly, only a mother or father or grandparent is ga-ga in love with the baby. You know the love I am talking about -- the feeling of "I am wanna gobble you up" that comes from such intense feelings of connection that you feel you just can't be "one with" enough with the baby. You want to feel them inside you again. I made a choice to have him only with me or his father. I earned my MA in two years, part-time and in the evenings while his father a professional career person also sacrificed to be with him when I wasn't. It requires sacrifices, but what else better is there to sacrifice for? Looking back, which do I regret more -- not being a big-time career woman or not having enough time with my older children? Do I regret the size of my retirement fund or the idea of house payments til I die, or zero world-wide travel at my leisure? Sure, (anything can happen) but how could driving a Beemer instead of Hyundai or a Honda bring more happiness than the smile of my child, feeling my child in my arms and seeing his glowing eyes, or feeling the soft warmth of his cheek pressed against mine? Or watching her perform in her drama, or relay, or recital? Or, the moment etched in my heart -- homeschooling her in second grade and teaching her read, the feeling of this moment watching her read, and we were sitting side by side, each holding a side of the book and her left had resting on my bare leg. "I am teaching my baby to read." What a feeling and moment it was.

I had lunch with a friend who was the custodial parent for his daughter, now in her twenties. He is an accomplished singer and has jammed with many well-known musicians. He said his real pride and accomplishment is in raising her. We were lamenting those years of raising our young children and both feel sadness (and anger) at watching the treatment of children. We both have urges to exclaim to young parents to cherish every moment with your child, because the moment will be gone, never to be returned. Nature always has a way of healing -- parenting mistakes and regrets make for great grandparents, I understand. I have come to believe that women "can have it all, just not at the same time. (or a man who co-parents as a priority). I truly don't know any woman who is happy with her decision to focus on work and attainment of credentials, belongings, and status and at the end of life will wish she's worked more and spent less time with her children.

When a baby starts to learn how to move around by himself, he will only crawl alongside his mom at first. this is the first step to separating form the precious mother and moving independently. Even when he finally begins to walk, he will sometimes check to make sure his mother is in view, and will not stray very far away.

When he's a little bigger and capable of slightly more distance, he will soon come running back to get a hug from time to time. This is his way of affirming his sense of security and making sure he is being watched over.

Please hug your child tightly at these times. Your child may immediately feel reassured and attempt to run off happily again, but instead of releasing him immediately, hold him tightly for a brief moment more, perhaps until our child even has to tell you, "That's enough!" If you release him straight away, your child may think, "Oh, she has already let go," and feel ever so slight disappointed.

Or, I would suggest, possibly much more than "slightly disappointed." In observing a mother-child dyad I can see their attachment dynamic and it is a reflection of the baby's birth and the experience she or he had in coming to the mother from the womb. For example, a woman birthing by cesarean will have her arms tied down. Her baby is taken by strangers and very roughly handled -- to stimulate breathing because the umbilical cord is cut immediately and blood necessary for physiological breathing is left in the placenta. There is much fear in this experience for the baby. Biologically, the impulse and need is to be with the mother. The struggle for intimacy has begun. The choreography is in place. Their experience can be observed in day to day life.
This child may toddle over to the mother as if to need her and then as mother does or tries to reach to him, he jerks away, falls down, cries, and/or moves away. Or, if she doesn't respond and this makes baby push harder, or hit her. Does this relationship just magically begin in toddlerhood? No, that is unreasonable and illogical. The conception and gestation periods, and come together with the process of labor and birth to create a template. As early as the first hours of life, the baby may not be able to respond to the mother in the way her heart and head expect, and nor can she because of pain and drugs, disappointment and guilt. The newborn and mother who were separated begin to "act out" their experience and perceptions over and over until it becomes an unconscious dance.
When the child is experiencing something fearful or that triggers that early, preverbal memory -- going with a stranger, being left by the mother -- the baby reaches for the mother, but can't connect and can't say, "This FEELS just like ....". The mother may want to connect with her child, but other emotions arise (trauma emotions) and she can not physically respond the way her head wants to. She needs to go to work. She doesn't connect and say goodbye with her WHOLE heart. She does so with a broken, wounded heart. These cycle into repeating experiences of "come here, go away" dynamics. So, the "fussy" or "crying" or "belligerent" two year old who is scared may come to the mother and attempt to connect. He may refuse to look at her, say goodbye or to come to her. He may wail at her from across the room, or lash out at her. WE are taught in traditional medical and psychological training that these are not abnormal, even though our maternal feelings say otherwise.
The toddler is the child, the non-neocortex thinker and is expected to understand and respond. Meanwhile, the adult mother is wrought with emotion she tends to stuff, hide, and deny -- mostly to herself. The child behaves in the best way a two year knows how to do, based on his collective earlier experiences. A mother, the adult, does not understand why this is happening to her and her baby. Those in the business of caring for children don't know and rarely ever attribute it to early attachment issues. Feminists abhor it. Women refuse to believe that the epidural or csection had anything to do with it --- especially if she chose it for her reasons and needs. Her rights. She is also "in her stuff" and frustrations of daily life will respond out of stress in REACTION to the child's behavior. This triggers further emotions from the child. This is their dance. Later in life, we find "partners" who know our dance routine -- even if it feels miserable and our neocortex thinking brain wants the social model.

Eventually, every child will leave home of their own free will. Your children are only under your care for a brief and limited time in life. In a way, "parenting" can be summed up as the gradual process for a mother and child that have become very close.

For a mother in the throes of parenting, the days go by in a blur of rushed activity. There are no doubt many times when she wishes with a sigh that her children would grow up quickly and be able to take care of themselves. However, it is inevitable that children will leave home one day, and when that happens there will be no reverting to those former days spent inseparable with their mother.

Being able to press your cheek against the tender softness of your baby's is a special privilege reserved just for the parents/moms. No matter how hard parenting can seem at times, there will no doubt come a day when you nostalgically reflect upon this period as one of the best of your life. Enjoy and savor this precious time while it lasts.

Oh, mamas, am I here to tell you how true that is. One of my most joyful sensate experiences is to hug one of my children, and cheek to cheek to breathe in the smell of him or her. Oh, mama --- the last time I saw and hugged my GI Joe before he went off to officer training (expecting to see him before he deployed, but sadly, did not), we had that moment that the author speaks of. Hold him tightly for maybe one more brief moment or even until he says enough. I held him until he let go with one more breathe of taking him in and making eye contact with him before separation. THIS is SO what every mother and baby need at birth -- to feel and smell each other and to make eye contact before ANYONE interrupts them.

There is more to a close relationship than just physical hugging. Mothers need to hug their children with their whole heart.

Their WHOLE heart ... and, I wonder, how can a woman freely do that when her own heart has been broken -- by her own mother-daughter relationship, by a less than whole childhood, by wounding of her body and soul in birthing the baby. Our society has a responsibility to honor the HEART of a woman and honor that women are Life Givers, and that to believe and honor that is zero being anti-women's rights or anti-feminist. It is a woman who builds the baby and from whom whose body the baby comes -- that is nature and the way it is. To honor that as perhaps one of the most important contributions she makes zero negates her as a chemist, lawyer, engineer, nurse, teacher, artist, or cook or whatever she might do in the world. Life-giver, nurturer, professional, breadwinner, etc -- these are the parts of the self, part of her WHOLE that only she can connect. To do so, she needs safety, support, nurturance as a woman and a mother -- from her society.

It takes practice to be able to listen attentively to what your child wants to say. Small children don't have a big enough vocabulary, and may find it hard to adequately express themselves. Don't interrupt him or rush to finish his sentences for him, but take the time to listen carefully and embrace him with your heart.

THIS, is one of the key elements of prenatal and birth healing where a primary goal is to heal the breaks in the attachment process at birth.

page 69-71

This booklet is available from Sunmark Publishing, Inc., 2-16-11, Takadanobaba, Shinjuku-ku, Tokyo, 169-0075 Japan. Tel: 81-3-5272-3157, fax: 81-3-5272-3117. Email: rights@sunmark.co.jp. http://wwww.sunmark.cojp/eng/

Colic, baby talk, attachment and all of that ....

I was asked for my perspective on colic and diet on a group list and another article rolled out.

I am certain that diet, particularly the Ayurvedic diet, has a lot to do with supporting conditions that prevent or heal colic. I, of course, have a baby's communication and birth trauma perspective. I have a long article about my perspective on my website: http://www.itsthebabysbirth.com/parentsknow/colic.htm

I see "colic" as one of those "trash-can" labels or worse a "set-up" in the socio-political-medical community for a lifetime of medical interventions and drug therapies. Starting at the beginning of life, here's why I believe the “diagnosis” of “colic” is the forerunner of ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, relationship issues, behavior disorders, and the high incidence of childhood and adult gastro-intestinal issues:

Babies need to share their perspective and experience of birth as they are coming into their body -- which is the spiritual-physical task and experience of the newborn for first two to 3 months. The soul is COMING into this body – integrating body-mind-soul. The baby is integrating all that has gone on thus far, including birth.

Mother has her perspective of the labor and birth, father has his, medical caregiver(s), family, friends, and doulas have THEIR own perspective of the birth based on their own experience (of the birth, through the lens of their own, and through their own beliefs and based on their own history). Their story is just their perception of what happened. So, everyone in attendance has their perception of their experience -- no one is wrong. They are just different perspectives.

Now, consider this, would you? WHOSE BIRTH IS IT? Who is it that made the journey from the womb to the world -- in the presence of others and the environment and energy field (YES! It's "scientific"- quantum physics, in fact.) that THEY create? Whose entire body of organ systems gets to do this amazing transition from being totally dependent on the mother/placenta/umbilical cord to being an INDIVIDUAL, separate, totally, physically independent being -- in a few minutes. AND, who will still be absolutely totally dependent on that single, consistent, loving heart beat that clicked away through development? (And, doctors and woman whose fight is REALLY about the psuedo-feminist battle to work, earn equal pay, have affordable childcare banter about the utter, indescribable, importance of the mother-baby attachment relationship. BUT, back to that later.) For now, and related to how our relationship with our mother develops, EVERYONE but the baby gets to express his experience of the birth and usually they get to be heard by someone, sometime, somewhere. As we all know, new parents tell their story over and over for months and people love to hear them. In their arms, however, baby never gets to tell his and be acknowledged. Surely, the baby does not get to share with the doctor or nurses his or her experience.

I worked with a three-week old newborn who was born at home and transported after birth. The doctor who had not yet seen the baby since birth came in and she exclaimed the same loudly adding, "let me see that baby". The baby began to cry and thrash -- telling mother no. The mother handed the baby to the physician who held the baby up face-to-face and loudly said, "YOU SCARED ME!" The baby wailed and thrashed to get away and the doctor held him to her, all the time he was obviously trying to get away from her. HE WAS SCARED. NO one -- mother, father, or doctor who WERE THERE said to the baby, "And, you were so scared, too." She didn't say, "I was so scared -- that I sent you in the ambulance and you and mommy were separated. It must have been so scary for you. I am soooooo sorry." Had she done so, this child's nervous system would have been able to calm down and with this, he would have a new imprint, a new story in his nervous system. While this interaction was going on, mother and father are smiling pained, confused smiles, not wanting to deny their doctor the opportunity to hold their baby, and not able to say no. (the biggest, saddest, lifelong result of hospital birth.)

I believe that the worst thing we do as humans is ignore the wonder, the power, and the sentience of the human baby -- in the womb, during labor and birth, and in early infancy. A child does not learn language at just that random toddler time when they begin to speak word; nor, does the child JUST then begin to feel and remember. This is what people wish to believe rather than acknowledging that every second of the baby’s experience is programming the brain. There are no secrets from babies – who live in the arms of or in close proximity of the parents and hear and see and feel EVERYTHING. By the time the child is talking years of processing developing has occurred. Parents now get to see the amazing results of their previous years of development as their prenate, birthing baby, and infant has learned the cultural language and has been able to make associations, and to put words to sensation and thoughts. And, it is all based on their relationship with their child and what they have said and done to and in front of their child. You think you can rag about your in-laws with a baby in utero, or in the car seat and the brain isn't taking it in, but it does take in the Mozart music? You think you can turn up the Mozart music and rag about the in-laws and since baby doesn't hear the WORDS, he doesn't know? Haahaaa. You are fooling yourself. Babies and children are the masters at knowing what is going on without words. If you feel it, they know it.

Because human newborns are seen as blobs without thoughts, feelings, and memory, they are brutalized, minimized, disregarded, and their needs are ignored -- more so in the hospital birthing environment than in any other place. “Welcome to the cruel, cold world, kid”. The treatment of babies in the medical environment furthers says, “Your parents aren’t in control, they can’t protect you – get use it to. Only we can help you.”

Drugged and numb parents, violated parents, disregarded parents are often powerless and will continue to struggle to gain equilibrium in their baby’s post-natal life. Because medicine conditioned us over the past century to relinquish our body and power and teaches us that the human baby brain is non-functional, a tragedy continues. Communication of the newborn and is ignored and adults assign THEIR feelings and thoughts to what the baby is doing or saying. Adults like to gain the attention of a baby to fulfill their own needs, not to engage with the baby as a separate, amazing human being (who JUST came from Source by the way, and is about as clear and amazing and real as will ever be -- before his or her domestication and indoctrination process begins.) Rarely, do adults just settle their own nervous system, acknowledge the baby, and let the baby guide their interactions, based on what the baby needs. Don't we all want to cry when we get treated that way repeatedly, especially by those who are supposed to love, nurture, and protect us?

"Colicky" babies happen after some robust efforts to share their experience and their feelings. What could it be about, people ponder so, and with no regard for the MONUMENTAL task the baby just recently did. I mean, really, what could a two week old have to cry about?? His birth? His decision to be here on the planet, in this dense, painful body? What soul isn't a little disenchanted? Isn't there a belief that we came here from a spirit world by God's plan? Does this soul not know this plan at birth? If not, then when? The soul, in the body of the baby, begins to express itself when? In utero? Blanks out at birth? Enters the body when, during toddlerhood?

Babies start out life trying to tell their story and like most of us do when no one listens we react. If an infant never gets to tell his story, to have his fears, wounds, and needs acknowledged, and never hears an apology for what he sees as wounding, it DOESN'T GO AWAY! It builds and builds throughout childhood and is re-experienced over and over. Separation at birth is the biggest cause of emotional issues in the mother-child relationship, for the lifetime as it gets reexperienced over and over, and the child is unheard. Separation happens during induction and epidural anesthesia as well as during first moments and hours of life. This gets played out in relationships over and over.

Recently at the library a little girl of about four had a huge emotional meltdown (aka temper tantrum) and most people either gawked or muttered to themselves or to others. My response is to support the parent --- "children act out what parents don't deal with" or aren't acknowledging within themselves or addressing. My response to those who judge is "Yeah, I know how she feels -- I wish I could just lay down and scream and kick sometimes." (And, I do in my own home in my own practice of healing, but sure enough, I know not to do so in public!! How quickly we learned that in our mother's arms -- sshhhh. shhhhh. And, by the time I had my third child I learned how to support a melt down when my child needed to and I allowed it in a safe space and sometimes, especially if it was a little too enacted, I joined them on the floor, usually ending in laughter.) What a parent of a child melting down in public needs is compassion and support so that she can be present and support her child. THIS Mother's system organized her child's nervous system throughout gestation, labor, birth, and early childhood. Children are in REACTION to parents and what the parent is experiencing. Sometimes children are expected to endure too much when a parent has needs.... like shopping. "Can't you settle down! Why can't you settle down?" When a child is melting down it is often in reaction to the child's inner needs in relationship to the current situation AND the previous ones. If you are an adult, y'all know you've experienced both sides of the disproportionate, unreasonable outburst in REACTION to something. We or they can't articulate it, we just feel the raw emotion, even if it doesn't make sense. It's a PREVERBAL memory gettin' expressed. Even when we are fifty-four, or four, one such reaction is rooted in the preverbal time of life and is the expression of the original wounding. Wooh.... traditional medicine and psychology will react to that one. So, if the parent can settle down by gaining control of her own nervous system, the child almost always can stop too and they can relate and repair the rupture. ("Parenting from the Inside Out" by Daniel Siegel, MD and Mary Hartzell, MED is an excellent book that is full of the most recent brain understandings, and provides a foundation for the healing work of birth trauma healing. )

Children are being domesticated with demands to not feel or express who they are. It begins in the first moments of life. Mothers almost always, and I hate to use the word always, shushh their babies to accommodate others. Children and babies get hurt, are scared, etc. and adults "comfort them" by shushing them, saying, "Shhh. SHhhh. You are ok. It's ok." The baby obviously does not feel the same. Adults want the baby to be ok and to stop crying, but denying the emotions of the baby doesn't work. Recently at a day care a boy of about three was engaging with me from across the room, communicating with his body and his eyes. Babies and children ALWAYS tell their story, what they are feeling when we attend to them. He got in trouble for not sitting still at the table for snack time. He wasn't really doing anything "wrong" just not sitting still and compliantly eating. A few minutes later I was in the next room and I heard a huge thud and then a crying child. He had fallen and hit his head so hard I heard it in the other room. I went in and the child care worker had picked him up as to comfort him, but said, "You are ok." The child writhed and cried louder and lashed out when she kept repeating it. HE was saying "NO, I AM NOT OK!" So sad, an injured child has to lash out in anger to have his pain acknowledged, but is still ignored and then labeled bad. (And, this was a good day care. Yeah, you go anti-attachment folks who insist that mother's right to self-actualization are more critical than early maternal-child relationships -- "if mother is happy, the child is happy.")

And, what would we adults do if we fell and hit our head so hard that others a room away heard it? We would yell, cry, curse, moan, and groan and be angry if people said to shut up. WHY do that to babies?? Unless severely injured we would try to look like we are ok, even if it hurt like hell and we had double vision. Why? Because that is what we have been taught to do from the first moments out of the womb --- NO ONE acknowledges the real pain of torsion to our head, shoulders, hips during the birth journey, particularly stressful if induced, drugs, mother supine, strangers pulled or vacuumed or cut us out. The memory of every experience -- good or bad -- is held within the tissues of the body. Every injury after will build upon the previous one. Children are "resilient", yes indeedy, but it catches up and they become the "aches and pains" of adulthood that is the reason for multi-billion dollar industries of all sorts of health care -- medicine, surgery, chiropractic, depression, anxiety, violence, ADHD, and on and on .... including HIGH incidence of childhood and adult gastro- intestinal issues.